JT Taster

	Journeying Together - Taster Pack
	Journeying Together A Marriage Preparation Course Compiled by Jill Heslop (FLAME officer) March 2005 The Diocese of Salisbury
	COURSE OUTLINE Topic 1 Understanding our differences Topic 2 Communication Topic 3 Resolving conflict Topic 4 Commitment Topic 5 Managing finances. Topic 6 Becoming a step-parent (as a separate pack with leader’s notes)
	INTRODUCTION WHY DO A MARRIAGE PREPARATION COURSE? • Marriages aren’t made in heaven; they require hard work, self-awareness and relationship skills. The fact that most couples are co-habiting probably means they are more realistic about the difficulties and disagreements, and more open to exploring their relationship • A course, as opposed to one or more chats with the vicar, can cover more ground in a more systematic way, provide materials for couples to work on at home if they so choose, and provide the benefits of group interaction. • Research has shown that couples really do value marriage preparation, whatever the content and format, even though arm-twisting is sometimes needed, and some come in fear and trepidation. We would like to recommend that clergy or parish administrators communicate to couples booking weddings the assumption that they will attend a course. Plan well ahead so you can give them the date of the next course – the sooner they attend, the better, even a year or more before the wedding. Wedding preparation is preparation for the wedding day, so that couples have an understanding both of the mechanics and the meaning of the wedding service. This is something which clergy normally offer individually to couples they are marrying, and do so very competently. Marriage preparation is an exploration of what it means to share a life together. It may but need not be provided by the person who will be taking the wedding. The main aim is not to impart pearls of wisdom because you supposedly have all the answers. The chances are you don’t! Rather, it is to raise couples’ awareness of issues which they may not previously have talked about, and provide them with opportunities to discuss these issues together. A secondary aim, if you feel confident and comfortable doing so, is to teach a few relationship skills and give couples time to practise them. All this is a lot easier and less threatening if offered to several couples together because couples can split into pairs and talk to each other rather than talking to you. It also enables some group discussion and interaction, which adds variety and usually makes things less intense.
	WHY ANOTHER COURSE? There are some excellent Marriage Preparation courses on the market, So why another one? For a variety of reasons. • Some are too long for most parishes, and if they provide a workbook for couples it is more difficult to omit parts or import material from elsewhere. • Some are expensive. • Some assume considerable knowledge and expertise on the part of the leaders in terms of psychology and the dynamics of human relationships. • Some are dated – pre Internet, pre cohabitation as the norm, pre Common Worship. • Some provide excellent worksheets but little else. • This one, unlike any other that I have come across, recognises that one or both partners may have children from a previous relationship, so includes an optional section on step-parenting. I have borrowed ideas and worksheets from other courses (with permission and acknowledgement where possible). Some couple sheets have been scanned in, hence the variations in style and quality of reproduction. Each section ends with a list of appropriate video clips for those who would like to use this added resource: either to buy them or (for those in the Diocese of Salisbury) to borrow from Church House or the MU office. A full list of resources used or referred to is included as an appendix. COURSE LEADERS Can be clergy or lay, or a combination of the two. If you have a suitable young married couple in your church it would be good to invite them to participate, whether or not they take an active part in leadership. Can be from the parish of the couples getting married, but equally several parishes or a whole deanery could combine to put on a course.
	THIS PACK CONTAINS: 1. A leaders’ handbook, which: • Explains how to use the worksheets • Provides ideas for teaching input • Gives suggestions for group activities 2. Photocopiable worksheets/handouts for couples – normally to do individually, then share together. No personal information needs to be shared with the rest of the group, unless anyone chooses to do so. 3. Appendices of resources and quotes
	When familiarising yourself with the course and selecting which materials to use you will need to have the leaders’ notes and relevant couple sheets open in front of you. Leaders’ notes and couple sheets all have the appropriate symbol at the bottom of the page. There is more material than could be covered in any single course, so be selective according to time available and your own preferences, priorities and expertise. Try to give variety in each topic rather than just handing out worksheets.
	NOTE THE NUMBERING SYSTEM: Sheet 1.2 means Topic 1 (Understanding differences), section 2 (the only material provided for this section. 3.2.i means Topic 3 (Resolving conflict), section 2, the first sheet provided for that section).
	The course could be used • over 5 evenings, one topic each session (plus an extra one or two for stepparents). • over 4 evenings if you omit topic 6, or just slot in one of the topic 6 activities into another session • over one or two Saturdays • over a weekend. If you are doing a one-day course, consider focussing either on topics 1-3 or topics 4-5 rather than trying to cover too much ground. If you allow on average 20 minutes for each activity or task you could in theory cover six in a two-hour session. In reality it would probably be better to select five – perhaps with a coffee break in the middle, or four if you want to allow time at the end for general discussion and questions.
	POINTS TO CONSIDER WHEN PLANNING THE COURSE Who will be the leaders/helpers? Where will the course be held? • The church hall may be the obvious place, but consider other possibilities too: • a room in a pub. This is where most participants will feel more at ease • a home – this may be warmer and more comfortable , but there needs to be space for couples to talk privately without being over-heard. What refreshments will be provided, by whom, and when? • Coffee/soft drinks at the beginning/middle/end? • An Alpha-style meal for the first or each session? This may allow couples to feel more relaxed. • Drinks or a meal in the pub? How many sessions will you have? Evenings or weekends? How will couples be invited? The ideal requires advance planning: Set one or more dates for courses each year, depending on the number of weddings you have, and give the couples these dates when they book the wedding. It doesn’t matter if they come to the course months or even a year or more before the wedding. Make the assumption that they will attend a course – this is part of the package, like the wedding rehearsal. You may choose to include an automatic charge in the fees to cover materials and refreshments, or the PCC may cover this as part of the church’s mission. Find out at the initial meeting whether the step-parenting topic is relevant for the couple. What materials will you use? Study the course. Look at the outline for each topic, the leader’s notes and handouts, and select material • that you feel comfortable with • that gives variety and balance • that couples can take home to read or act on Who will lead what, who will do the photocopying, who will prepare/obtain any additional resources? Put in your own unique touches where possible eg personal anecdotes, jokes, stories. Enjoy it – it can be great fun!
	1.1.ii HOW WELL DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER? Do this individually putting your own and your partner's initial on the scale Eg if John thinks he is moderately fashion conscious but thinks Sarah is extremely so he will mark: Fashion conscious -S----------------J--------------not fashion conscious at all Then compare your perceptions of yourselves and each other Fashion-conscious …………………………………………….…not fashion-conscious Likes to go out a lot ……………………………………………....likes to stay in Tidy …………………………………….....................………..…untidy Likes cooking ………………………………......………………..dislikes cooking Moody ……………………………….....................…………….placid Bit of a joker ………………………………………….........……rather serious Hates sport ………………………………………..........……….mad on sport Is understanding …………………………....……………………can't always see other point of view Wants children soon ………………………………….…………doesn't want children Hard working …………………………………........…..……… inclined to be lazy Supportive ……………………………………..........……….…not very supportive Easy-going …………………………………..........……………can be stubborn Has a wide circle of friends ……………………………..………not many friends Thinks sex is very important……………………………………. thinks it does not matter much Always a leader in a group ………………………………….... .usually a follower in a group Good with money ………………………………....……………hopeless with money Thinks religion is not important………...............………………...thinks religion is very important Hates housework ……………………………………………….likes housework Basically optimistic ………………………………….…………..basically pessimistic Never cries ……………………………………........…………..cries easily. Likes to get own way ……………………………..………….…unselfish Never watches TV/videos ………………………………………always watching TV/videos Gets on well with parents ……………………..…………………gets on badly with them Gets on well with in-laws ……………….……………………….gets on badly with them Gets angry easily ……………………………………….……….never gets angry Likes DIY ……………………………………………......…….hates D1Y A very happy person ………………………………..………….easily depressed Bad at time-keeping ……………………………..…………….. never late Full of confidence ………………………………….……………little self-confidence Strongly political …………………………………….………….no interest in politics
	2.3 i) Top Ten Emotional or Relational Needs Put these in order of importance to you. When you have both finished take turns in sharing your list and explaining to your partner why the ones at the top are particularly important to you. Acceptance - I feel that you accept me, warts and all, for who I am, not just what I do. Affection - you communicate care and closeness to me through words and through physical touch. Appreciation - you don't take me for granted, you notice what I do for you. Approval - you commend me for who I am and speak well of me to others Attention - you show interest in my work, my hobbies, my friends, my concerns. Comfort - you console me with tenderness when I am down, sad, feeling a failure, or in physical or emotional pain
	3.1.i NINA AND BRUCE Nina and Bruce have shared a flat together for four years. Nina is very independent, successful in her career and has never been close to any of her family. Bruce comes from a large, close-knit family, but was attracted to Nina partly because of her independent spirit. Throughout the time they have lived together they have had very little contact with Nina’s family. They have recently decided to get married. Bruce’s family have now shown great interest in the couple, expect them to spend Christmas with them and are making hints about grandchildren. Nina resents this, doesn’t want anything to do with Bruce’s family and is only willing to consider children if it fits in with her career. Bruce can’t understand what Nina’s problem is. They have started to argue more and more. 1. What are Nina and Bruce both feeling? 2. Does the wider family have any role in a marriage? 3. Is there any way in which the situation might have been avoided? And how might Nina and Bruce get things straight? 3.1.ii PHIL AND SARAH Phil and Sarah have been married for five years. They got on well at first but then hit a bad patch. Whenever there is a difficulty now, Phil disappears upstairs to where the computer is and immerses himself in that, while Sarah is left downstairs watching television. 1. What is likely to happen if this situation prevails? 2. How can they prevent a further deterioration in their relationship? Family Life and Marriage Education Network “Today and always”
	4.i.i THINKING ABOUT PARENTS AND IN-LAWS Answer the following questions on your own then compare with each other and talk through your feelings about what each other has written. 1. I think I have a close relationship with my family. Yes/No/Not sure 2. I think my partner has a close relationship with my family. Yes/No/Not sure 3. I think I should make every effort to get along with my in-laws. Yes/No/Not sure 4. I don’t want to have much to do with my partner’s family after we’re married Yes/No/Not sure 5. I don’t want to have much to do with my family after we’re married. Yes/No/Not sure 6. I think I should feel free to tell my partner about difficulties I might experience with his/her family. Yes/No/Not sure 7. I think my relationship with my husband/wife is more important than any other relationship. Yes/No/Not sure 8. I think we ought to work through any negative feelings we have about each other’s family. Yes/No/Not sure 9. I think my partner should put our relationship before any other relationship. Yes/No/Not sure 10. I think parents and in-laws should be a help, not a hindrance, to a marriage relationship. Yes/No/Not sure (Margaret Stevens, ‘A Marriage Preparation Course’, 1992)
	5.3. Case studies Taken from an article in the Guardian newspaper by Jenni Russell, 25.1.05) 3. James, a 41-year-old journalist, is the father of 3 young children and the partner of a non-working wife. He is incredulous at the idea that he would withhold anything from his spouse. “How can anyone operate as a couple when they don’t share their money? It can’t be a relationship worth having. The whole point of a marriage is that it’s a partnership at all levels – emotional, financial, practical.”